GNER
Dear Industry, The Society of Tavistock (the Tavistock Society (the Tavistocks)) is officially giving you notice of its intent to inform you on several issues as follows: * Blade Runner is an excellent film (Harrison ford is/was extremely charming). * Portcullises can be used to prevent entry into selected strategic portals. * Port Talbot is in Wales. * Chickens 3, ham too. * Your service stinks bad, and we refer to bad as in “your service is bad, like a rotten egg, which is in fact a bad egg”. Please allow us now to elucidate, expatiate and further explain one of the above facts. 1 I got on your train :1.1 It was late ::1.12 I was sickened by the resultant lateness :1.2 If this happens again I will have to re-consider my transitory decision making process. ::1.21 Other forms of transit include: car, bicycle, boat, aeroplane, hovercraft. :::1.211 I have been on a boat, have you? ::1.22 I am rapidly tiring of your evasions. :1.3 The train was found, by no person less than myself (and the society as a whole), to be full of the dirty, unwashed masses I am accustomed to seeing in shopping centres, multiplexes and hospital out-patients. ::1.31 Next time I board a train I will wear a smock. 2 On-train services were found to be appalling. :2.1 The gentle swaying motion of the carriage prevented effective urination in your ‘cubicle’, no matter which angle I deemed to approach the bowl from- and in this survey of angles I do not simply refer to one plane, namely bearing vis-à-vis the bowl, but also that of elevation, expressed as the complex approach vector of the prospective jet. ::2.11 Failure to urinate is discomforting. ::2.12 Discomfort is to be avoided. :::2.121 Despite my repeated calls to stop the engine, the train both mercilessly, unforgivingly and inexorably continued. :::2.122 In such situations I find myself uncontrollably thinking about taps and waterfalls, grapefruits etc. This increases discomfort. ::2.13 Upon leaving the train I was unable to conceptualise myself as anything other than a pain filled bladder on rusted wheels. :2.2 Tickets are formally and legally require to attain many services. ::2.21 Tickets are required to validate train transit :::2.212 Your company, dare I remind you, is a train company. :::2.213 ergo :::2.214 I needed a ticket to board your train. ::2.22 The mallard was my favourite model in bygone days. :::2.221 The mallard is also a breed of duck. ::2.23 I did not purchase a ticket for your train. :::2.231 Failure to collect full revenues is a failure of a corporation. :::2.232 You failed to collect that revenue :::2.233 You are a failing corporation. ::2.24 The appropriate preventative measure in this situation is to employ a ticket collector. :::2.241 You do enjoy employ ticket collectors. ::::2.2411 No such individual checked my ticket ::::2.2412 I got away with it. :::2.242 Your ticket collectors are all obviously all too fat, lazy, drunken, old, incontinent (weak-willed), drunk, female, oily, incapacitated or ambidextrous: you are doubtless in a position to be more informed of the problem than I am- cross out as applicable above. Then you see the root of the problem. :::2.243 Until changes happen, you service remains second rate. 3 Perhaps if more people paid their fares, your service would improve. :3.1 Indeed ::3.11 and in action. Love and Singapore chow-mien for all (of us and ours), The Tavistock Society (Formerly known as The Havisock Society) ---- Category:Condemnations